A week ago, I left my new home and came back to my old one. I left behind memories, family and a promise to return very soon. I wasn’t as sad to leave it because I know when I go back most of the brilliance will still be there. I was sad that the six months had flown by faster then any other six months of my life. Or maybe life has always been flying by and suddenly I’m all too aware of it.

Aware, but not faltering.

I’m not trying to grasp onto the edges, pull myself back, slow down time or live in the past; because if this year has taught me anything, it is that moving forward is as much a part of life then living each moment to its’ fullest. And the more moments you fully indulge yourself in, the more times you will look back at the month that just evaporated into what seemed like thin air and smile upon the reflection that despite the tough parts, it was a lot of shining moments strung together like a beautiful web.

Every day isn’t easy, and sometimes you’re going to get tired, angry, and upset. One day you could find yourself in a pile of tears instead of laughter, when the minute before was so blissful. And you might fall down.
But the point isn’t that you fell, it’s that you got back up. It’s that you let yourself cry, but didn’t wallow. It’s that for each unpositive emotion, you counterbalanced it with a positive one later on.

You can lie in a bed of sorrow, or you can change the sheets and enjoy the life you’ve been given.

Every single time I have seen someone again since being home, I have had this surge of energy. Like it hadn’t been six months, but all the same knowing it had been. And although I could remember the last time we saw each other as easily as the dream I had last night, it didn’t make their hugs any less special, their voice any less delightful, or their company any less valued.

And I’m already almost on to my next adventure, with old faces and new experiences. New faces and old habits. Getting my bush fever back with my crazies, as we take outrageous to an entirely different level. Even saying this, I know just how quickly those two months will go. I know because I just about missed the past six. It was like I blinked and time had shifted before my eyes. Among the shift came great bonds, memories and a connection to a place I had barely gotten the chance to love.

So I’ll go back in a bit, but I’m going to enjoy the next few adventures first.

I’m going to enjoy them so much.

The tears stream down my face as I watch
And see what cannot be erased
In the hearts of two loving parents
Two loving siblings.
Watching and knowing full well
How often this tragedy strikes.
Unknowing,
Or knowing.
It is happening, all around us
Day to day to day
And again once more.
But now we are standing up for those
Who no longer have a physical voice.
We will speak for the ones who couldn’t.
The ones who maybe tried,
But didn’t feel as though they were heard
Quite loudly enough.
We will fight to make sure no one else will forget
The essence life brings,
The way things could be
If this all came to an end.
And oh my God, my heart shatters.
I hear the stories,
I relate,
I cry harder.
I mourn for the family,
And I thank all my stars above
That I didn’t join in the statistics
That break apart families
Or bring them together in a sorrowful way.
We have to stop this.
We have the stop this now.
It’s no longer something that can be pushed aside
We can no longer shy from the issue at hand.
I will hit you in the face,
The stomach,
The head
With this issue.
And you WILL hear me.
You will hear US.
And we will one day learn to love
The way it was intended.
The way so many of us want it to be.
I long for the day the last tragic ending
Of an unforgivablly horrific tale is told.
And I know I will be alive for that day.
Because we are rising up,
Braving the fears,
The anxieties,
The challenges.
We won’t take no for an answer.
We won’t let those who don’t know how to love
Win.
It is us who will conquor the battle.
And you know we will.
So take my hand,
Let me tell you I love you.
Because I do,
Whether I know you or not my sweet darling.
You are important.
You are worth the fighting chance.
I will fight for you when you cannot.
Just know that life IS worth fighting for.
Don’t listen to what they say,
When they try and tell you
That you are anything less then perfect.
And it will be your hardest battle.
But don’t go into war alone,
Because I am right here
And so is she,
And he,
And them.
We will help you.
We will carry the weights of critisism on our shoulders,
So you don’t drown
In the waters that are created
With each strike,
Each insult,
Each tease.
I don’t want you to become an angel just yet,
I still need you here,
As does he,
As does she,
As do they.
And my God,
You won’t fall down onto the cold stone anymore.
Not unless I fall with you,
Holding you the whole way down.
So we can see the cliff
You so desperately want to jump off,
And then turn away from it
Together.
Tomorrow you will smile,
And it will be real.
Tomorrow you will wake up,
And feel the sun on your skin.
Tomorrow you might cry,
But it won’t be in vain.
Tomorrow will come for you,
Again and again.
For as long as your life intends.
Until you leave us in a more happy state of mind.
I will love you until then,
And not a moment less.

Whenever I’m not working I always think that I’ll be bored or unsure of what to do with myself at any given point of the day, if I have nothing planned. This did not fall true this week though; it was probably one of the best weeks I could have had off work.

I caught up with an English friend whom I’d met in Rome last year during an Italian vacation. She was touring this beautiful country on a bus with some friends, and loving every minute of it, as it should be. And we had coffees and chats and she even ventured into the cold water not once, but twice. I played the Photographer and captured that on camera, unwilling to put myself through such insanity. But I laughed and cheered her on and it was a small bit of Europe that entwined me for 24 hours, as we laughed about our drunken night near the Colossium and the gelato we had eaten and the pasta’s and the gyro’s. And then of course, there were promises made for visiting each other in our respected countries. Nothing less then a genuinely happy visit.

And marking the halfway point of the week, came my cousin’s 26th birthday. We wined and dined at one of my favourite cafe/bars with her parents and some of her friends. And on a generous offer, my aunt offered to take my cousin’s shift at the daycare the next day; allowing the few of us who didn’t work Thursday, to shift the party to a few bars before returning home in high spirits and dancing pants. And I talked faster and laughed harder and woke up feeling only slighty dizzy.

I met up with my dad’s youngest sister and her partner who are about to embark on their Around-The-World-For-A-Few-Years trip. We had coffee and walked around the lake and tried grasping onto the moments we had together, knowing they come few and far between.

I spent a a couple days with my great-aunt and great-uncle in Alexandra. We talked about the important stuff, like life and death, and how you should never forget to laugh, and never add numbers to your age because before you know it you’ll want them back. We went for lunch and sat on a sunny patch of grass, enveloped in the warmth. We collectively grabbed our individual books and sat out on the porch, reading away the glorious day without a single feeling of guilt and more then enough pleasure to fill a home. And I didn’t worry too much about not making dinner because of the way my dear great-aunt needs to do things in a particular way, so no amount of stress is added. But I helped clear the table and before you knew it, the rugby match was on. And my god, there is nothing more sentimentally valued in my life then watching a league rugby game with my New Zealand relatives as the sun dips behind the mountains and the air cools only just slightly.

Today has been the more rainy Saturday we’ve had in weeks. How else would you spend a day like today then curled up on a comfy chair with a pillow and your book, a hundred percent absorbed? In hindsight, you wouldn’t spend it any other way. And suddenly the clock has crept past the one and my stomach starts relaying the foods I would not be upset to eat; pasta, bread… and then the smell hits my nose and I realize my aunt has already started something that coinsides with the weather and my food craving: homemade soup.

So really, this week passed by me without so much as a blink. But not so fast that I couldn’t appreciate it for everything it was worth. And I’m so excited to relish these next few weeks until I come back to a place that now shares the title of my home with another.

Today I worked in the oldest room, the three and four year olds. I was nervous, but it turned out to be a fantastic day and went by so quickly! I was so used to the babies that I thought it would be a lot harder being with kids who suddenly could speak and form ideas and have opinions; but it wasn’t. It was really fun getting to chat with them and see how they interact with each other.
Between pushing them on the swings, making sand castles in the sandbox, gathering goop together in a solid/liquid ball and all the rest of the schenanigans we got into during the day, I learned their names, their likes and their dislikes.
It’s amazing, to just look at them and realize Yeah, they are are little people who will grow up to be doctors and lawyers and bakers and authors. And we are helping to shape them into these things.
My favourite part of the day was all the quotable things that came out of their mouths. Dozens of them passed through the air, but here are some of my favourites:

“Dinosaurs are ‘stinked.”
“Yeah, ‘cause no one brushed their teeth.”

“Have you seen Finding Nemo?”
“Yeah! I’m going to get some kittens and call them Finding Nemo, Dory and Bruce.”“

“Magnus thinks there’s a monster behind the book shelf.”
“I haven’t seen a monster around here lately…”
“NEITHER HAVE I!”

“My mum’s favourite colour is… not the colour over there.”

And of course, I had to hide all my pleasure behind a single smile when I wanted to laugh out loud and squeeze the little nuggets. They are such treasures and I like how each age group is a little different but still completely loveable! I love how I get on with them and they get on with me. It’s like getting to have a little test run placement before I even start my studies in this field. Absolutely unbelievably amazing.

I just finished the hump day of my first week at my dream job. I arrived in Wanaka on Saturday and have been absolutely chocker blocked with activities and learning and fun.

On Sunday, we went to the Cromwell races, their 150th anniversary. It was Chris, Dot, Uncle Bob, Aunt Helen, Lizzie and her roommate and her rommate’s boyfriend. So much fun! It was a gorgeous day out (I ended up with a bit of a sunburn on my back) and we had blankets to sit on and a little picnic to pick from. I bet on horses for the first time, and lost terribly but had a fantastic time anyways.
By the time the second last race finished, we had packed up and were ready to head back to Wanaka because some friends of Chris and Dot were in town visiting their son AJ and he was playing a set at one of the bars in town. That was a lovely evening, and as it progressed more and more family members came. Some were my relatives and some were the other side of a cousin, but we all had a great time; laughing and chatting and the rest. Then, I met this Irish guy who was at the bar (possibly the only person I wasn’t related to, in some way or another) and we talked for aaaages. I met his two friends, one of whom was a Kiwi and had just gotten married which is why M, the Irish boy, was visiting. I love that accent, and it was nice hearing it. AJ had finished his set ages before we ended up heading home, tipsy and content.

Monday morning came without as much struggle as I thought it might. Chris dropped me at the daycare in the morning and I got to spend the morning with the babies. Oh WOW! I fell in love with every baby that was there. They were all so different and lovable. Each with their own quirks and personality, it was unreal watching them, playing with them, cuddling them.
At the end of the day, the cleaning lady had called in sick so I helped Chris and Dot clean the center for an hour. What I’m doing is half volunteer and half real work; so my first day was volunteer but then I got paid to help clean because that was extra work. And I didn’t mind; we finished up as quickly as we could and then came home for a quick dinner and an early sleep.

I got to sleep in a little bit on Tuesday, and Chris dropped me to the center closer to eight thirty. I spent the entire day with the babies and was on duty during lunch reliefs for the other ladies. It was such a great day; we played outside for ages because it was so sunny…but then all of a sudden beeeeep beeeep beeeep; FIRE DRILL! They have this craddle that they put all the crawlers into and wheel it across the ground and through the gate to the main play place where the older kids are, and we all line up against the fence. We got out probably within a minute, and everyone was accounted for, but it was such a fright for the babies that half of them were wailing away and it took a good fifteen minutes to calm them all down once we were inside again. One of the funniest moment of the day was when one of the little boys, G, was running along and pretty fast, when he just ran straight into the wall with the mirror on it. It was impossible not to burst out laughing; luckily this little guy is the toughest munchkin and just got right back up. He kept looking at us to see whether or not he should start crying, haha.
After work, Dot and I went grocery shopping because I offered to cook dinner but then we got home and Chris had arranged a BBQ with AJ, his parents and his girlfriend A, who also worked at the center. It was a lovely evening, but I was exhausted and didn’t get to bed as early as I wanted. I did get to see beautiful pictures of northern Europe and a cool video Chris had made from heli-skiing. I went to bed as soon as my head hit the pillow though.

Today was a rainy morning, I caught a ride into work with A, as AJ dropped us off. I spent the day with the babies again. It was amazing. The youngest babies were in today, Z and J. So I got to give heaps of cuddles and even gave them bottles. The twins were not in a good mood but little A was in a very cuddly mood. Actually all the babies were and that was a good thing because rainy days can sometimes be hectic. There were only 8 babies in today, so that was easier (since there can be as many as 15).
Lizzie (my cousin) came over for dinner tonight and I cooked the pasta I was suppose to have made yesterday. It was super yummy! And then for dessert we had ice cream with museli and Canadian maple syrup on it; omg, heaven. After Lizzie left, we have just been watching the Wednesday night sitcom line-up (Two and a Half Men, 2 Broke Girls, The Big Bang Theory, etc). Relaxing evening, and early enough that Imight be able to catch up on some lost sleep (although probably not because I’ve just started a new Jodi Picoult book this week and wow, it’s amazing as per usual!).

This is actually my dream job. I walk through those doors every morning, excited and ready to be there 100% for the kids. You don’t have time to think about anything but what you can do to provide for them. And it’s as simple as that. You’re exhausted after a full day’s work, but you’d be absolutely drained of strength if you were also bringing in outside problems. And not only that, it’s just nice to be working again. This job opportunity is like a little pre-school placement. It’s exactly what my field is and the best part is that they all have little Kiwi accents and they love when I talk and I love when they talk (if they talk, because obviously the babies don’t). Tomorrow I’m in the oldest room with the 3 and 4 year olds. I’m a little nervous because it will be more full-on but I’m excited at the same time. I spent an afternoon with them on Monday and we got up to bubbles and afternoon cuddles on the couch reading stories, so that was alright.

I finally have access to the internet basically all the time, so I’m hoping to be able to post a lot more then I have during this trip.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

There’s no point in apologizing, because we all know how busy things can get when you’re travelling. The only thing I’ll apologize for is the fact that you can’t smell the beautiful aroma’s of the pavolva’s my cousin just pulled out of the oven that we baked an hour ago. Because that is something everyone should smell at some point in life. 

Yesterday I got back from the most wonderful week in Australia. I spent a night with my fantastic cousin Jill. She picked me up from the bus terminal and we went to her flat and I met her flat mates. They are all so lovely. I stayed over that night; Jill had to work early, but I hung out with her flat mates during the day (watched Ellen and The Aristocats, you know… the essentials). Then in the afternoon, I caught a bus to Eildon. The smallest town (imagine Teeswater, then minimize it haha). I sat at the bus stop for a few minutes, tried calling my “big sister”/family friend Laura, but didn’t get an answer. Then all of a sudden two guys came over and said to me “I bet we can guess your name.” And obviously I assumed they knew L, so I let them walk me to their house and they offered me a beer and let me see their miniature pony that was living in their backyard at the moment. It was actually the best welcome I have ever received to a town.

L came and picked me up eventually. It was beyond amazing to see her again!! I love her to pieces. We went back to her house and I saw M and we just talked all night, then they showed me a bunch of pictures from the trip they just went on (a 30 day white water rafting trip- unreal). L was going on an overnight training course the following night, so I said bye to her and then fell asleep in the extra room.
The following morning, I had museli for breakfast (seems redundant, but I fell in love with it!) with bananas and yogurt. Then watched some telly, and then all of a sudden I was on the river, kayaking and having the best time! 

The entire time I was in Australia, I was either on the river or on a boat or laughing or drinking beer. I had such an amazing time. And I would just sit back and realize how amazing life was. I met some amazing people, went on some incredible journeys and then was able to also live in the moment more then I usually do. I think it has something to do with not having immediate access to the internet, you know? I could enjoy what I was doing, when I was doing it, because there was no urge to go and tell someone else about it. I was directly living the moment as it happened and loving it, absorbing it and wishing it would last forever. Whether I was knee boarding, boating, rafting, kayaking, laughing, loving, drinking or anything else. The way I felt never changed; I wished it would go on forever. 

The week went by faster then any week I have ever lived through. I not only met some amazing people, I got to spend time with a girl who has meant the world to me since I was little! We got to take pictures, enjoy life and experience some new memories. Then suddenly I was at the airport again, facing the struggles of border security; almost refusing me into New Zealand because of my lack of proof that I was indeed leaving NZ in a month or so. I won’t go into detail just how stressful that was. Besides barely avoiding tears, I didn’t sleep for almost 48 hours. So by the time I arrived back in Auckland and had boated to Waiheke Island, I was much in need of sleep. Thirteen hours later, I had woken up slightly refreshed.  

Sometimes it is fully alright to have a chill day; sooooo, I did indeed do shit all today. I skyped with so many of my beautiful friends. Big J, Jemima, Livvy, Diliana my little sister and then Keelin too! Oh my! I also drank an entire bottle of white wine by myself tonight and am currently in this state of mind where I want to gather all my favourite people in one single room and hug them.

I’m back with my parents for a few more days and they leave on Friday; so do I. I actually fly to the south island before heading to Wanaka for my daycare job! OMG I am so stoked for this year ahead. While I was in Australia, I found out that I was accepted to the school I wanted so badly to go to; which means next year is going to be exactly as I was hoping it would go!

I can’t handle how great life is. I love my friends so much; whether they are still here on Earth or not. I love the way you feel after some wine and good company. And I especially love the feeling of knowing that just for the moment, things are okay and you will in fact be able to be excited for tomorrow. That, yes, some incredible human beings have left us, but there are so many ones left that we can wake up tomorrow with a smile on our faces and an urge to make the most out of the day that is the first of the rest of our lives.

This is real life. 

Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight? Was it the same person who told you that it was YOUR decision to choose when your life ended? They were wrong. It’s not your choice. Just STOP. How many broken hearts are lying in the aftershock without a chance to fully heal before they are completely shattered again by the quake of a life cut short? I’m afraid to blink these days. Things get better in the end, if it’s not better, then it’s not the end. You’re making hearts ache, whether or not you knew them. Was ruining lives part of your plan? Was giving up at the first sign of trouble the way you were raised? When so many people loved you, was this really the way you wanted to test that? The one thing I wish I could help you understand is how trivial high school is. Yes, it seems never ending, it can be your worst nightmare and you can want to escape it so badly you cry yourself to sleep at night; but PLEASE, stop it. Take that advice from someone you know who has said “Life gets better.” Right now you feel like someone has taken a sharp knife and carved out all your emotions, leaving you to bleed. Maybe it’s that bad. But please! I’m crying for you. And my tears aren’t just sympathetic. They’re empathetic. I’ve been there, I know. Life was my worst enemy and I wanted to do what you have done. But then I didn’t. And now it just scares me that I didn’t see the beauty of this life we’re given. It scares me that I almost didn’t get to become the person I’m suppose to be. Because there is no chance in HELL that I was suppose to be the person I was in high school. You don’t understand, and you never will. But what did your teacher tell you at the beginning of the term? If you don’t understand something, ask. You forgot to ask questions, you forgot to understand. And in forgetting, you missed the mark and now we’re crying and she’s crying and they’re crying. Tears that shouldn’t be shed are flooding a county that has never known so much anguish. When will you stop? When will you realize? I can’t keep hearing the reasons behind the “rest in peace’s”. It hurts. And I didn’t know you, or I did, but look at all the people you’ve just left behind? Those are the people I cry for the most. A trail of sorrow is leading to what I can only pray is some form of redemption. Stop, just stop. Right NOW. There are too many angels finding their wings, and we can’t do anything about. Still though, some are just giving up, and how can you get your wings when you aren’t willing to persevere anymore? Please stop. If not for yourself, then for everyone else. If you climb that mountain, you might find the other side has a view that takes your breath away and lasts a lifetime. We’re here for a good time, not a long time. So make sure your life ends with a smile.

Once when she was younger, her mother told her not to play on the road. There were cars zooming past at every hour and the dangers were infinite. Her mother told her over a dozen times, and yet she still felt the need to push those limits. The road was smoother and the gravel was a bit more of a dare then the grassy yard that screamed safety. So, it shouldn’t really have been a surprise when, one day, she ran out from the curb to chase her green sparkly bouncy ball into the wide road, only to be hit in the chest by the bumper of a royal blue Cadillac. And the trip to the hospital was only a blur. Broken ribs, a concussion. Lucky to be alive. Her mother holding her hand, tears streaming down her face. Her father looking stressed, muling the medical expenses in his head.
    The day she returned from the hospital she was sat down and lectured. No more playing on the road, but for real this time. Never go against what mother and father said. Their word was an unwritten law that should be cemented into her head and she was too scared to disagree. So she started reading books and stealing away to her room more and more. Her mother worried about her daughter’s health as her husband bitterly paid off an expense that was nothing more then a burden he hadn’t asked for.
    And the sun came up time and time again. Soon she was a bit older; timid and withdrawn. She had companions, but none that she saw regularily. And she still listened to everything her parents said as religiously as a priest listens to the Lord. But sometimes she questioned the bruises, in the secret of her room, which used to be an oasis. Though these days seemed more like a holding cell. And she wanted to tell someone, but she would never go behind her parents’ backs. They knew best, why would they lead her astray? Her ribs had healed once, they would again. And again. And again.
    When she saw daylight, it wa sbecause she was earning money or her education.  She was in debt, but the sort of debt you wouldn’t think a child would have. Not yet, not ever. And she didn’t understand it. No one would. It was so underlined with a resentment too unholy for the grounds on which the girl unintendedly treat. As she lay in her bed she wondered how she would escape. Pointless dreams. She was her parents’ daughter. And she would never stop listening. She never walked on the road. She held her fathers’ hand, shaking on the inside at his touch. He said it was normal. She had her doubts. The ones that pestered her mind and never initiated action.
    She was drowning inside. A million salty tears shed at the contact of flesh. She ran to her mother’s side but it was limp and she didn’t know where to go. Out into the winter air, snow spit in her face. She had to get away, there was so much blood this time, it hazed her vision. Stumbling, as the pain coursed through her veins. The curse words flooded her head and she was blind with a fury against her parents who told her she could never disobey. Surely she could disobey now.
    And when she fell, sobbing, trembling, into that police officer’s arms, surely he would help her. He wouldn’t send her home. To the hospital, and it was a deja-vu you wished never happened. Was it the same doctor? Did they realize? There was never a car in the first place and she wasn’t on the road. Sleeping became a night terror then, when would the love come for her? She had nothing worth keeping but everything to hold in. It was like he had broken her jaw, she was sipping air through a straw. Broken, aching, thirsty for some kind of healing. She cried when she saw her father come in. She cried when the doctor told her she would be going home soon. She cried when they lay her mother in the ground. And she couldn’t remember when she stopped crying, but it happened. Perhaps it happened when they lay him next to her mother. And she imagined them holding hands, like they did in the ambulance that first time. She wondered if she really meant anything to them, before she wandered down the long road that was in front of her.